Recovered but Depressed Again

I took a long break from posting on this blog because aside from I got so busy with work, advocacy, and studies, I felt I really got so much better.

I fell in love and got married with a man who played a significant role in my recovery from the major depressive disorder I was diagnosed with years ago.

I moved to another side of the world to be with him with hopes and dreams of conquering life’s challenges together.

But while I am still in a loving relationship with him, I find myself in a very toxic family dynamics with my in-laws.

His siblings would call him to cancel his work shift to take care of their children. They wouldn’t even compensate him for his service despite the efforts, time, and mental, physical, and emotional strength he pours into babysitting.

I couldn’t stomach the fact that his family members are so used to abusing him that way, that they decide to have kids of their own and expect their brother (my husband) to do the babysitting duties at the expense of him not going to work for the day, or missing rest, fun, or other learning opportunities.

And since their abuse is way beyond my tolerance anymore, I brought it up to them, only to receive the most hurtful remarks one could ever hear in life.

They said that I’m manipulating my husband to not provide them the free babysitting service they want.

“Families should not pay families,” they said.

Totally abusive.

And because of that, I’m now back to antidepressants, relying on medicine to make it through the day or else I’d be so paralyzed to even get up from the bed, work, or do anything at all.

This is a time I’m praying again to God for something I really don’t know. All I know is He hears my cries and heartaches.

Where do I go from here? I don’t know. God knows. And maybe all I can do is have faith that I will soon see a silver lining, while trying my best to make the most out of the relationship, continue in my job, expand my advocacy, broaden my knowledge, and everything else I can do for myself.

After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s not selfish. It’s self-care.

Trash Talked at a Video Game and I Feel so Bad About It

Lately, I’ve been hooked into this Mobile Legends game. Whenever I feel stressed on something such as school or work stuff, I play Mobile Legends. Whenever I just wanna enjoy some time, I go to the Mobile Legends app and play one game or sometimes, more.

It’s my way to bond with my friends and siblings. I am happy whenever our team win the game, and am even happier whenever I am the MVP.

However, there are a lot of times that I feel so depressed with it. That’s whenever I make the wrong moves, or sometimes, it’s not totally wrong; it’s just that my team mates don’t like how I play. And during these times, they would call me at and say “bobo” (dumb) or “tanga” (stupid).

I know for a fact that trash talking exist in the social media world, more so in the video gaming realm. It’s something so normal for people, to tell others how worthless they are.

Many times it even goes to the point of being told by your team mates, “Sana mamatay na tatay mo” (I hope you’re dad will die).

One time, I was very sad and my negative thoughts were already wearing me down. I felt useless and hopeless. I felt my I am unimportant and I just want to disappear.

I wanted to calm down myself and decided to just play. But during the game, my team mates were telling me that I am “bobo” and “tanga.”

I couldn’t hold it any longer. I replied in the game chat that I was suicidal, and please, I was begging them, to stop the trash talking. And all the more that they did.

All the more did they tell me that I was “bobo” and “tanga.” I pleaded for many times, and explained that I was really feeling down and all the more that they only insisted that I was dumb and stupid and was overacting when I said I was suicidal.

After that, they reported my account to Moonton and Moonton banned me from using the in-game chat function.

I hate how the game that helps me relieves my stress and worries is the same game that just worsens how I feel. Can I not play an online game without these trash talking?

When can video gaming be a safe place especially for those who are depressed and are only looking for a temporary escape?

When can netizens, including gamers, be responsible enough on what they post? Don’t they ever realized that they could just end someone’s life with their words?

When will video game companies be able to strictly monitor and penalize gamers who cyberbully and verbally abuse other players?

When?

I Just Wanna be Okay

How do you bid goodbye to 3 am tears, when you just wake up from your sleep only to sob and realize you are far from being okay?

Lately, I just keep finding myself in so much pain, emotionally, regretting a lot of things in my life. I regret trusting the wrong people, of not studying hard and failing that exam, of making mistakes at work, of not saving as early as I should. I regret being me.

I regret my existence. I regret everything.

I just wanna be okay, but I do not know how. I believe in God, and up until today, I would boldly say, God is real. He is indeed real. And I witnessed several times how He had been so real in my life.

But nothing can convince me that I am okay. At 3 AM, I wake up, crying to Him, pleading. “God, I just wanna be okay.”

I don’t want to think that He doesn’t care for me. I know He does. I know He loves me. But despite my asking for help, I can still feel the heavy weight on my chest.

I can still feel the shame, the hatred of other people toward me, the reasons that make me just want to end my life.

I want to be better. I want to wake up happy one day and be grateful for my experiences. But when will that happen?

What would make me okay? I am writing these thoughts and questions as I just feel so helpless right now. Does anybody understand how it feels?

If yes, what did you do to be okay?

Improving does not mean no down times

I’m back to blogging after quite a long time. And yeah, perhaps when you read this post, you may think either I spiraled down again or was already improving amid my depression, thus the break.

But honestly, I have no answer. It’s just that all I know right now is that I am not the same as who I was before.

I still have a lot of down times right now but I try my best to do other stuff instead of antidepressants. I actually stopped taking the medicine a month ago without informing my psychiatrist. And no, don’t imitate me, it’s not really proper to just stop taking a maintenance drug without a doctor’s approval.

But anyway, I can see myself right now doing better. I have energy to do work and study. Although there are times that the reality, such as the postponed plans brought by the COVID-19 pandemic, would hit me. I cannot help but ask if there is still such hope. Why am I even taking up a course in graduate school when I am just homebound, cannot go anywhere else, and I work only just to have something to live on from day to day.

Yet, God reminds me that He is our Hope. With Him, we have a bright future. We may not understand the times, but He knows everything.

Going back, I realized that improvement does not mean there would be no down times. Improvement means you already know what to do, how to cope up, in your down moments. You can already handle yourself, not perfectly maybe, but at least you know it’s not the same as before.

You know why you need to keep striving despite the hardships. You know there’s a wonderful thing waiting for you in the end, a light at the end of the tunnel as they say.

Improvement means you know how to pick yourself up when you fall. You know how to stand many times. And if you can relate to what I am saying, just keep it up. Keep improving.

Don’t give up.

Finding Hope Amid this COVID-19 Pandemic

Travel plans were cancelled. Meet up with friends were put on hold. Family get togethers are no longer pushed through. So many plans have been thwarted, trashed, by this pandemic.

And it is hard, seriously hard. Seeing news about increasing cases of people who contracted the virus, dying, if not fighting for their lives.

Businesses shut down, ordinary people were laid off from their jobs despite they have mouths to feed.

And for those who have depression and have just only seen a slight motivation to pursue their dreams, only for that drive to come to an end because this pandemic did not allow it to happen, it sucks.

It could be a sport you just have thought you might want to get into, or a project you want to build. It could be going to school or looking for a new work. Or it could be visiting your loved ones, reuniting with your families across oceans.

All of these were gone for the mean time. How awful it could get for those who lost people dear to them.

Dear, there is still hope. It may be hard to see this time, but there is. This is something I am constantly telling myself amid everything that is happening.

It hurts but one thing is for sure: This virus will come to an end.

God will save His people. A vaccine will someday be made available. A cure could someday be found.

God holds tomorrow, so keep holding on to Him. And surviving this pandemic means there is still something to look forward to.

The dreams that were planted in our hearts would eventually turn into reality. There is hope, and for now, all we could do is pray.

We can also find something else to work on. Read books, browse the net. Call your friends and family.

Make sure to find something worthwhile amid this chaos.

And find your peace in Him amid the storm.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm. Father, You are King over the flood, I will be still and know You are God.

God Gave Me My Long Time Dream

More than a decade ago, that is exactly how long my heart was caught by this guy whom I saw as a partner material — a man of faith, street-smart, simple, hardworking.

I didn’t have romantic feelings for him, but over the years, I have always admired him. I saw him as a friend, an older brother, and I could only wish that someday, I get to meet someone like him.

He already migrated and we have lost communication for quite some time.

Many things have happened to me and it was really because of that that I had to battle with depression everyday.

Regular visits to the doctor / therapist, and taking antidepressants, as well as talking to my family and friends, these have been my new normal since I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

I was pleading to God to give me a reason to live, to love life. Everyday, I just kept crying. I felt so hopeless. Everyday, I had to force myself to go to work, only because I need to get paid, to buy my basic needs. I was no longer motivated, despite that I am working for a company which I really consider as almost perfect, if not perfect.

They provide a good package, and more than that, a good environment, even good bosses. But my depression has been eating me up.

I felt I lost all my dreams, my ambitions. I lost all reasons to make myself want to breathe.

Then this guy, whom I had always admired over the years, suddenly chatted me, out of the blue.

Long story short, we started online dating. That’s more 10 years of me hoping to find someone LIKE him, but poof! There was him. As in him.

And this might be trivial for some, but for me, I consider it as God’s provision. I consider it as God’s way of reminding me that He knows the desires of my heart and that He takes notes of each of them. It was God telling me that I have a reason to hope, to want to live, because not everything was lost.

And should he came years ago, I don’t know if I would have the same appreciation and gratefulness I have right now.

God’s timing was never too early, and never too late. He’s always on time.

Sometimes, You Just Really Have to Leave

Often times, we expect the people we love to understand us, and to be there for us especially in our rough times.

We count on our friends and family, the latter as people say, “blood is thicker than water.”

But we have to face it, not all the time they can understand us. Moreso, there would even be times that they are the ones causing us to feel depressed.

They blame it on us how things could be messing up in our lives even if they are the greatest factor to our distress. And fighting back will only result in more emotional impact to us, because we would all the more realize that we are alone. And all the more we hear them say negative things about us, the more we will feel unloved, causing us to really lose appreciation of life.

As a Christian, it is definitely giving us guilt to walk away from people, especially that the Bible tells us to allow our other cheek to be slapped when hit on one. We must be able to forgive not just seven times but 77 times, which could be translated as infinetely as well.

We should be the bearers of God’s love, the love that is willing to give His one and only Son to die on the cross for the redemption of those who do not even deserve it.

But sometimes, you just have to accept it, that you must just leave. Yes, even your own family, if it is already so toxic for you.

Leaving them does not mean totally abandoning them. You can still love them from a distance and give all the help you can give them. However, you just need to create that wall so that they won’t anymore be able to hurt you that much.

It could mean moving out of your family’s residence or not talking to them for the mean time.

When it comes to friends, the same rule applies. If you think that the friendship is bringing out the worst in you than the good, then create some space.

You can still be there for people without making yourself so vulnerable. But in order for you to do that, you have to leave.

And there’s nothing wrong in wanting to preserve your mental health because a bad one will just create a more bad experience for those around you.

Enduring Depression During Quarantine

Governments of different countries around the world have already ordered a lockdown to contain the spread of COVID-19.

For normal people, this is already something. It’s hard not to be able to do the things you are usually doing such as dining in restaurants, strolling at the park, going to the cinema with friends, attending classes, and many more.

How about for those who are just on their way of recovering from depression and have just started becoming normal again, only to be quarantined inside the house, with the same people everyday?

It’s hard, right? But I think this could also be an opportunity to reflect on things and bond with your family members, the first group of people you should be sharing your life with.

How about those who live alone? Thanks to the Internet, you can do Skype with your loved ones, who I supposed are also staying in their homes, unless they are working for the essential sectors, or are considered as frontlines.

If they are, this quarantine season is also your chance to pray for them more often.

Meanwhile, you can also use this quarantine season to learn new things. Learn a new language, draw or paint, be creative with the food you cook everyday, write a book, a poem, or a blog.

There are still a lot of things that you can do despite that you cannot go out of your house. Be productive and proactive.

I am so Unstable: Can I still do something great?

Your emotions could be fluctuating, thus, your momentum in doing things is hard to be sustained. In these instance, you begin to question if there is still something great you can do, or this depression would just really paralyze you and you simply have to accept that you are not meant for greater things?

Well, here is the thing: No matter how emotionally unstable you are, you can still always create a good future for yourself.

Having depression is no different from others who have their sicknesses and weaknesses. It’s just that while depression could be a kryptonite, you have to find the areas where your passion is, or where you are good at, and that is where you will thrive.

Many times, God has implanted these desires in our hearts. Sometimes, they are just buried there, which you have to discover. And once you discover these, the momentum would not be that so hard to maintain because everything will become so natural. And there could even be times wherein your depression could play a big part to make things going.

An example of this is becoming a poet, or a song writer, or a painter. No matter how emotionally unstable you are right now, you can use those emotions to write a beautiful poem or lyrics or to move your hands to create a lovely painting.

Emotion is one thing but that is not your whole being. You can use your emotions, even if they are unstable. Just don’t let your emotions use you, and that is an art you have to learn.

You are destined to do something great. What is that something great?

You just have to ask God to reveal it to you.

God Uses Broken People

In your despair, you might be wondering if God has still has a plan for you, more so, if He can still make use of you to impact the lives of others.

As impossible as it may seem, the answer is YES. He can. And He will. Only if you are willing.

I have been battling tough with depression, but amidst this, I kept praying to God to show me a reason to live, to use me for His glory.

And just as I was praying for that, a stranger I came across in the mall opened up to me about her deep, personal problems.

It was a time I have been losing hope for myself, but here is a stranger in front of me, confiding to me her issues even if she does not know me.

And to my surprise, I responded to her that God is a faithful God, encouraging her with words from the Bible.

We exchanged contact details, and her confiding to me continued. I offered to meet her to pray for her, and she said yes.

We met, had coffee. And later on, she was already asking me how to become a Christian, how to listen to God, and other matters about faith.

And this is a testimony that God can use broken people. And He really does use broken people.

And it is in encouraging others that I also find healing for myself, because I see how nothing is impossible with God and that He is faithfully working in and through those who are earnestly seeking to be used by Him.