How do you bid goodbye to 3 am tears, when you just wake up from your sleep only to sob and realize you are far from being okay?
Lately, I just keep finding myself in so much pain, emotionally, regretting a lot of things in my life. I regret trusting the wrong people, of not studying hard and failing that exam, of making mistakes at work, of not saving as early as I should. I regret being me.
I regret my existence. I regret everything.
I just wanna be okay, but I do not know how. I believe in God, and up until today, I would boldly say, God is real. He is indeed real. And I witnessed several times how He had been so real in my life.
But nothing can convince me that I am okay. At 3 AM, I wake up, crying to Him, pleading. “God, I just wanna be okay.”
I don’t want to think that He doesn’t care for me. I know He does. I know He loves me. But despite my asking for help, I can still feel the heavy weight on my chest.
I can still feel the shame, the hatred of other people toward me, the reasons that make me just want to end my life.
I want to be better. I want to wake up happy one day and be grateful for my experiences. But when will that happen?
What would make me okay? I am writing these thoughts and questions as I just feel so helpless right now. Does anybody understand how it feels?
If yes, what did you do to be okay?