It hurts to be reminded of the things you do not want to remember, of the trauma that they caused you.

It may be the killer who murdered your beloved, the gunman who open fired at your school, the once trusted man you had but sexually abused you, the well-known volcano that ruined your hometown, or maybe some relatives, family members, and/or friends you severed ties with.

It can be the social media wherein people witnessed criticisms about you.

Whatever it is, avoiding such trigger for some time would help, but sooner or later, you would have to face it and be able to handle it.

Everyday, I ponder what would happen to me when my doctor would have to tell me to stop taking antidepressants.

For now, I am completely aware that I am functioning well because of the drug. I am able to work, socialize, hang out in different places, do house chores, etc. because the drug is effective in making me numb to my negative feelings.

But to clarify, it does not only make me numb to negative feelings but also to positive ones.

I am like a zombie, living, with no emotions. The antidepressant acts like an anaesthesia, numbing me emotionally, only to send me down once its effects wear off.

And no, I don’t think taking the drug for a lifetime is a solution. For now, it is, until I learn how to handle these triggers without crashing me.

But how?

Moving forward in life is never easy, but we have God to help us. It is important also to have a strong support system to remind us of who we are, that our identity is not hooked with whoever or whatever we encountered in our lives.

Tragic events really happen, but life has so much more to offer than that. There are two kinds of mess, one that life creates and one that we, ourselves, create.

But whichever of that we are in, we always have the choice to get back on our feet and take the first step to move forward.

Only we can choose for ourselves. Medications and mental health professionals may be there, but it takes willingness for us to recover.

It takes forgiveness of other people, or even ourselves, to accept things. It takes realizing that nobody and nothing in this world is our own, if it is a loss that we are dealing with.

It takes faith to say yes, I am moving on with life, with the God who created it.

It takes trust in Him to face these triggers and begin to see them no longer as triggers but a memory of what made us stronger, because without them happening, we would never have realized how strong we really are.

It’s hard to be positive when all you see happening around you are negative stuff.

It’s hard to lift your head high when life drags you down, and you cannot see anymore the light.

But remember, in whatever trials you are in, God works for the good of those who love Him, for those who have been called according to His purpose.

And you are one of them. You believe in Him. You love Him. But you cannot deny that your faith is also shaking.

You ask if God is true, or does He even hear your prayer. You ask why do you have to experience all of these.

The thing is, depression could be a tool by the enemy to ruin your faith in God, but because what the enemy has meant for evil, God can turn it into good — Your depression could be used by God to draw you closer to Him.

Depression could be a way for you to realize that you should not rely on yourself but on Him. Depression could be a way for you to realize the value of community, of the people around you whom you used to neglect unintentionally or not during your happy days, of the people who truly love you but you failed to see before.

You can see the good even while you’re depressed. Depression is a way for you to realize the few people and things that really matter.

While taking anti-depressants have helped me cope up with my depressive and suicidal thoughts, I realized that I also became emotionally detached.

I cannot say I’m really happy despite that I do laugh when there’s something funny. I do smile to people. But deep inside, I feel nothing. I’m like in a bubble, floating.

I also forgot the feeling of being in love. I see no man anymore as attractive. I no longer experience having a crush on someone, or that feeling of having butterflies in the stomach.

I made a Google search and I found this article: Can SSRIs make you fall out of love?

SSRIs work by raising your levels of serotonin, but they also lower levels of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for all those feel-good emotions you get when you fall in love. When dopamine levels drop and those feelings disappear you may mistakenly believe that your love has also disappeared.

And this is what exactly I am experiencing.

On another hand, I realized that it could also be good that there are no too much emotions right now.

It’s a time we could pray, talk to God, without really relying so much on our feelings. We could reach out to Him, not because we feel good or we feel bad, that we feel we want to thank Him or we want to cry out to Him, but because it is purely out of faith, and not our feelings.

We could also make the most out of this situation by making decisions based on logic and values. We could choose the people we will decide to love and be with, not because of our feelings for them but because we know that it is right to be with them.

We can take a look at things without our hearts getting in the way.

It is not really good to be emotionally detached but somehow, sometimes, it could be useful too, especially when we want to do what is right.

After all, the Bible also says that “the heart is deceitful above all things. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

Since it is less of emotions this time, we can ask God more to help us heed to the leading of the Holy Spirit without our feelings overpowering us.

God is love and He sent His one and only Son to die for you because He loves you.

Okay, that’s something you already know and it’s too obvious that the love you’re actually referring to is a love from a person, much more, from a significant other.

Actually, it’s a question that has bothered me for quite a long time but I realized that it should not.

I found myself falling in love with guys before whose faith and beliefs are not aligned with mine, and many of the things that happened during the dating stage were not what the Bible would refer to as love.

And what is love again? It is patient. It is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. It always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

I realized that it was never a question of “Can this person really love me?” but a matter of “Does this person really love me?”

And as the Bible also says, the tree is known by its fruit. Does how the Bible define love reflect in what this person is showing you?

I used to seek love from the wrong people and end up hurting again and again. And this has also contributed a lot to my depression, realizing how much I have failed to honor God in my life with all the dating and romance I have been through.

But God is a God of second chances. He is a God of hope. And He is a God who always gives good gifts to His children.

Remember that every good and perfect gift comes from above.

And those people who made you feel you’re unlovable, those are not the people for you. That man or woman who made you feel so bad about yourself because of your mental illness, because of your being very emotional, because of your past and shortcomings, that is not the right one for you.

Yes, you should still share Jesus’ love to these people because His love should cover everyone, but don’t ever expect that someday they will accept and love you.

Present Christ to them but don’t run after them to seek for their love or else that would destroy you.

And if destroys you, that is not love, but a mere illusion that if you made them FEEL loved, they will love you back.

God has the best in store. Trust His timing. It is better to be alone for now than to have someone who cannot understand you, especially at your lows, at your worst, and will only give you pain.

A person who loves does not tolerate the bad but does everything to help his or her beloved.

Allow yourself to heal, to recover, to be filled by His love again until it overflows. In His time, if He wills it, He will send someone who will make you realize that you are lovable. And no kind of sickness shall ever dictate that you’re not.

I knew it. I know that God is my healer, He is Jehovah Rapha, He is a miracle maker.

I know nothing is impossible with Him. I know that He hears our prayers and that He answers.

But please, when I tell you I am depressed, don’t respond that you’re gonna pray for me. I know you mean well when you say that, but keep it to yourself. Thank you if you’re gonna really include me in your prayers. But it’s the last thing I would want to hear from you.

Why am I saying this?

Oftentimes, saying that you’re gonna pray for a depressed person does not really work. A depressed person needs your help, an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean and cry on, a heart that does not judge, an open mind, a solution.

Don’t say that it only takes faith and it’s gonna be alright in the end. Sometimes, even the strongest Christian tends to question his or her faith when depression strikes.

Be the answered prayer in the midst of the suffering. Try to help, not just by offering prayers, but to really go out of your way to help.

Something that has really made me grateful in the midst of depression is that my friends did not just say they’re gonna pray for me. They made time to take me to a psychologist, to wait for me until the session finishes, to be there for me as we go window shopping, to listen to my stories and to offer advice.

They ask me everyday how I am, ask me out, invite me to new possible hobbies.

Prayer is one thing, but showing that you really care is another, and that helps the depressed person in realizing that he or she is still blessed.

Rest. That is necessary. In everything you do, you need to give yourself a rest, regardless what that may be. Otherwise, your exhaustion may also be the reason for your depression.

But of course as an employee, you could not afford to take a leave for a long time, unless you go sabattical and consume all your savings. As a student, you cannot also take a break in the middle of the school year or else you’d be left behind and get a failing grade due to absence.

So what now? If you can take a break for a week at work, go. However, don’t make it too long, because when you have spent all your money, financial problem would only worsen the depression. And so do failing grades or not being able to graduate for students could also make you more depressed.

Rest does not necessarily mean staying on bed the whole day, doing nothing. Rest, first and foremost, is something you find in God.

When you pause from listening to all these world’s noises, when you withdraw from everyone and choose to pray and ask God to talk to you, that is rest, because your spirit finds peace in Him.

Rest, on the other hand, could just mean resting yourself from the routine and shifting focus to your hobbies. It could be a skill that you want to develop or a sport you want to master. It may be cooking your favorite dish, painting the scenery you have in mind, crocheting or cross stitching, whatever.

It may be a good time to enroll yourself in some workshops or do volunteer works. It may be just simply visiting orphanages or spending time with street kids, and realize that your life still has a purpose as you see the needs of others.

It could also mean spending time with your family, your loved ones, with those people who truly care for you.

Rest does not necessarily mean you have to be vacant because by doing so, you will only be more susceptible to the attacks of your depressive thoughts. Find and do something you love and watch yourself create beauty.

You can do it, especially with God, proper mental health treatment, and the right people to support you

One of the features of depression is that you lose interest in the things that interest you before.

You may find yourself quitting from your hobbies, may that be a sport, arts, or even going out with friends. You may also lose interest in going to church and hanging out with your church group, and you feel guilty about it.

After all, the Bible tells us not to give up meeting together, and that we should live by faith and not by sight.

You may even feel like a hypocrite for singing worship songs declaring God is our joy and hope, because you know that within you, you feel really down and hopeless and no Bible verse or worship song could uplift your spirit.

Worse, you just feel all the more shattered, because when you see other Christians, it seems they are very strong in their faith. And when they talk to you, it seems they don’t understand your struggle and all you hear is “I’ll pray for you.” And this causes you to drift away from them.

It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to pause for a while. God knows your heart and as the Bible says, He is close to the brokenhearted.

But all these feelings and reaction of yours are the reason it is necessary to seek for professional help. Better if you can find a Christian psychiatrist and/or psychologist. But if not, it’s still okay. Professional help is still professional help, and you are still a human being after all. As a Christian, you are set apart to be holy but it does not mean that you are not anymore a human being.

You still are, and just like any other human being, you need help, whether that is from a fellow believer or not.

Slowly, these therapy sessions would help you go back to the things you enjoyed before. Slowly, you will have the desire again to socialize.

As my psychologist has put it, you cannot go vacant for a long time because that will only allow your negative thoughts to consume you.

You have to do something. You have to realize your goals and objectives, including those for your spiritual life.

And the more you allow science to work wonders for you, thanks be to God, the more you can be able to materialize these goals for you, one step at a time.

You will begin to appreciate those Bible verses and worship songs again, and enjoy your fellowship with other Christians and have that courage and patience to share and make them understand what depression really is.

Depression is not a faith issue. It is a mental one. And it needs professional help to be resolved.

You’re hopeless, and you feel that there is no point of waking up each day only to feel all the agony, and just only wait for the night to go back to sleep again so you won’t remember the pain.

In this kind of scenario, you ask yourself, what is the point of living? You have no reason to continue life, at least for now. You don’t see a bright future ahead. All you see is your struggle, and that you’re hurting.

Clichè as it may seem but God remains to be our hope. We may not see Him, but He is still there. But it’s unlikely that you will be acknowledge it unless you seek for help.

I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder recently after overwhelming heartbreaking events (for me). I was prescribed anti-depressants and to undergo psychotherapy.

It’s expensive perhaps especially in private clinics but thank God that our governments are working to provide mental health access at no or minimal cost through public institutions. There are also NGOs and private institutions that offer it for free or on a donation basis because they know how important it is.

Prior to me taking these antidepressants, I was so suicidal. I wake up with all the negative thoughts upfront. All I wanted was to die. I could not see the beauty of life.

But since I started taking it (though there are side effects), my negative thoughts started to be controlled. They don’t actually disappear but they’re not the first things I would think about. Slowly, I began to go back to the things I used to do before, like blogging.

Thank God for antidepressants. Thank God for science. Thank God for medical professionals.

No, taking antidepressants does not show a lack of faith. It only means that you still believe in God and that He has a purpose for you. It means that despite your feeling that you want to die because life has no sense for you anymore, you still have faith that God is not yet done with you. You still believe that He still has the best plans for you and the way to see what He has in store for you is to continue living, which would be made possible through the medicine.